A third of four entries recovered from teleporter, Diego Belfort.
December 22, 2017
Dear Journal,
Am I cheating on you if I call you journal and not diary? Do you care? I mean, what's the actual difference between the two? Like, one is for kids and one is for adults?
This is my adult entry into my memoir. I just used another grown up word. Memoir. Yes, this is how I will regale myself and reminisce about my youth. My current youth, my future youth.
I think the first couple paragraphs sometimes are just musings that lessen the anxiety of writing my thoughts down. I think sometimes I entertain the notion that nothing is real unless it can be seen or read. Like, emotions. You don't see them. So, maybe they aren't real. Maybe when I am terrified of being alone for all time, I can take from it the power I give it to overwhelm me by not seeing it as real. Maybe when I am happy, or sad, or fearful otherwise, or pensive, I can brush them aside as little more than day dreams and move passed them.
Dude, he said to himself, are you okay? I feel like there's no reason for you to be afraid of your emotions. The relationships you have aren't so deeply developed that anyone can use what you share to hurt you. What are you so afraid of?
That's the question, isn't it. What am I afraid of. I would say nothing. I dove down to the blackest depths of the ocean. Also, it's amazingly cold down there. Even with the wet suit, I was not prepared. Also also, the equalizing was the hardest part. Having to quickly equalize every few feet because dropping too low hurt my head. I could probably get a pressurized helmet and use that to dive. I don't know that I wanna go that deep again though. Floating in the abyss of the ocean with nothing beneath you as far as nothing around you as far as the surface of the water. It's daunting.
I'm not afraid of going fast or jumping from heights. I EVEN TRIED TO BREATHE UNDER WATER, like an idiot. But feeling things. That's too hard. It's not too hard. What's keeping me from that then?
What was her name again? Penelope. Her friends call her Penny. I think about her a lot.
I haven't been back to New York since though, I didn't mean to patronize her bar. What are the chances she'd be there? And I told her I was drinking spirits because I wanted to be a grown up. Smooth.
I wonder how often she hears, “Penny for your thoughts?” I bet she loves that. Bout as much as I love people calling me San Diego or Padre. It's funny though how we never really think of who may have said those clever things before us, we are just so proud we thought of the pun we blurt it out. I mean, I at least try not to, or I'll ask, how often do you hear this or that. It's usually pretty often. Maybe I'm not as clever as I thought, or maybe, only the first person to think of it is clever, and everyone else is too slow.
So, Mr Journal, Ms Diary, whatever you are, any advice?
Why are you asking your journal for advice? Just read through your bull shit, find the places where you could use some work and get to it. The page isn't going to speak to you, you are going to have to find the places in your heart that need healing or growth or whatever by examining what you give yourself permission to write down. Hopefully you will just be honest with yourself on paper and then again in life.
Side note, Jamish said he was thinking up things we could do to test the upper limits of what I am capable. We are going to try to go together. Like, he's willing to come teleport with me, but I was thinking of maybe starting with an insect or a mouse or a frog or something like that. If I can poof with something that's living and it survives and is okay afterward, maybe I could give it a go with Jamish. Imagine the possibilities. We could go to concerts in far away places. We could try foods at fancy restaurants in countries different than our own. We could experience summer time every weekend.
The tricky thing is maintaining a social media and not having passport stamps. Could we get in trouble if we get arrested for whatever and there isn't a stamp in our passport? I mean, I don't want to be arrested for anything, I am just wondering what the possible repercussions could be to being in a place with a valid passport, but with no stamp or proof of entry. I could get away, but not him. We would just have to be careful. Definitely don't do anything to draw suspicions on ourselves.
I'm getting excited thinking about all the clandestine adventures we would have.
I have done enough on my own. Am I ready to bring someone else in. Someone I care about. Someone who could get stuck somewhere without me. Heaven forbid we get into a an accident or are mugged or he needs to visit a hospital and there are too many people around to safely bring him home.
Don't be such a Negative Nancy. Just be careful. Have fun. Be responsible. And only poof when in private. Tell no one else. Keep yourself and Jamish safe. Easy peasy.
One thing about all this that keeps coming back to me. Why me? I don't see anything special about my family. Surely they would have warned us. Maybe my siblings would have also discovered something like this. I even reached out to Tabi and Tomas this week. Neither of them sounded like they were hiding something. Did I sound like I was hiding something?
I hope not. I don't want to have to explain to them. Besides, Tabi is likely to turn me in or call the cops or something horrible if she can't also poof, and do it better than I. We should probably reconcile soon. I don't think I have wronged her, any more than I did the day I was born by surviving birth, but if she hasn't reached out to me to improve the sibling relationship, I should just reach out to her.
I bet it's Tomas. The quiet one. He was always the best of us. Never fighting. He was content to just participate. He was content to just be there with us. I could have been a better big brother. I could have been the best big brother. I was just so focused on myself and competing against Tabi, that I missed out on chances to play with him, mentor him, encourage him. I'm glad I never bullied him. I kinda prefer knowing I ignored him more than anything, and I didn't bully him or take out my frustrations with Tabi on him. He didn't deserve it.
I'll tell him tonight. Maybe he will have some advice for me. He's pretty level headed.
I guess you will find out tomorrow, dear diary.
Looking up from where I am
the stars illuminate the sky
to me, they are part of a whole
lest a twin, alone unto themselves